Catatonic Heart – Life, love and other catastrophes.

Nostalgia.

July 8, 2018 No Comments

The older I get, the more nostalgia rears its ugly head. I miss all the happiness I once had because those moments have become very few these days.

When I’m out in the wide open desert, it reminds me of Rawhide – a place where I gained friends that became family and a sort of home I was lucky enough to once have – and I become calm. That feeling fades once I’m back to reality; back home in the overcrowded city rat race that is currently my life.

I have a love hate relationship with my current job. I adore some of the people I work with, but I cannot stand the callers and their anger. Essentially, that us the reason for customer service I suppose, but with my empathetic heart it has ground me down mentally to almost nothing. I’ve come a long way from being the angry person I once was, and that guarded, pissed off at the world person is coming back.

Some people love having an ever-changing, fast-paced lifestyle. The constant grind of city life calms their frantic mind. For a while, that worked for me as well. More and more I realise that’s not who I truly am. I’m not even 40 years old and my heart and mind scream, “take me away from all of this madness, I’m too old for this shit!”

I, as well as my lads, frequently reminisce about our lives in Minnesota. While it wasn’t perfect and we had our obstacles, we all miss the deafening silence of St. Paul nights and snowy days – the weather, the history, the bonfires, the lakes, the calm. We didn’t have much there but it felt like home. I wish they could’ve grown up there. We needed to go but a part of me regrets leaving and wishes we would’ve tried harder to stay.

My body craves colder weather and a greener climate. I find myself daydreaming of a place I can live in and call home, not just a place I can sometime visit. I long for a home where I can write, take photographs, relax with my family and friends… somewhere that can calm me and my thoughts.

I need a life that I don’t want to escape from.

My heart, mind, body and soul need to be elsewhere. I’m holding onto the hope that I’ll eventually find that peace again.

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Home.

June 7, 2018 No Comments

It’s no secret that I’ve always hated the desert; the vast open spaces filled with dirt, cacti, sun and heat was always disgusting to me.

Today I realised, whilst waiting for TJ in a doctor’s waiting room, that this place no longer sickens me like it used to.

After having worked in dirt, heat and sunny grossness for well over a year, it’s taken until this day to actually *GASP* appreciate it. Now I even sort of miss working outside in it.

This is the view from the waiting room window. It’s oddly calming.

That realisation shocks me more than anyone else, I’m sure.

Classical music is playing over the speakers, which is further calming and causing me to reminisce…

The long, amusing, hilarious, informative, genuine talks we had on overly sunny days.. Us all melting into human puddles together… Working raves even though techno isn’t good like it used to be… Caring for farm animals.. That’s what this view reminds me of – my favourite humans and the moments we’ve shared.

Even though working there was physically hard on my seemingly ailing body, and it caused tons of heat and light triggered migraines, I wouldn’t trade those people (or the growing I did) for the world.

Don’t get me wrong… I still hate the heat, and sweat is the bane of my existence. But, until I can be a forest dwelling crazy cat lady witch of the night, this is my home and I’m okay with that.

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🖕 Anxiety!

April 16, 2018 No Comments

I HATE anxiety.

I, and those I care about, have had to (or currently do) endure it. It’s a crap thing to have to live and fight through on a daily basis. Life is bullshit enough without having your own mind fighting against you.

I don’t want to compare anxiety to a bully because there’s always some sort of underlying heartache as to why someone bullies others. There rarely no other reason for anxiety besides a chemical imbalance in your mind and that is something you can’t always rid yourself of. The cruelty of a bully is something that can most likely be remedied. Anxiety is more like that fictional monster that’s lurking in the shadows. It sits on your chest constantly, trying to smother you and your existence.

It makes you fear every move and decision; you overthink literally everything and fear things that you shouldn’t. You’re constantly in an endless circle of rubbish thoughts… “Am I doing my job correctly”? “Should I wear this? I look ridiculous”. “Should I say that? Oh, great, I said that and now everyone thinks I’m a complete idiot”. “I am stupid, ugly, worthless”. “Am I good enough? Probably not”. I could write a book on the horrible things my own mind tells me.

Sometimes the monster completely paralyses you into inactivity. You don’t do the things that you love for fear of failure, which is also why you don’t pursue your dreams. You isolate yourself, even when you shouldn’t. Going out into the general public is an epic adventure because you’re worried something bad will happen. You neglect your family, friends, your job, yourself. Deep inside you know this isn’t you but you just can’t help it.

Then there’s how it physically effects you… Random panic, fear, uneasiness, nausea. You have problems sleeping. You’re sometimes unable to stay calm and still. You may become cold, sweaty, short of breath, experience heart palpitations. You can become dizzy or disassociate from reality. Sadly, I’ve suffered it all.

Despite this, I keep going. You HAVE to keep going. Seek help, read books, listen to music, reach out to those that care about you….

Some people will tell you if you only think positively and do the things that scare you, you’ll magically be cured of all your ailments! Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it does help. Running water doesn’t get as gross as something stagnate, right? But please don’t let those that don’t understand your ailments shame you into feeling less than. Those people… the ones that tell you you’re wrong or overreacting.. those aren’t your people. You’re loved, wanted and important.

Trust me when I write this… Your anxiety is a liar! Don’t let the monster stop you from being the beautiful person that you are and sharing yourself with the world. This planet needs more of you.

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She’s Alive!

April 8, 2018 No Comments

That I am. I also suck at keeping up with this blog… So if you’ve actually read this thing or liked my Facebook page dispite the lack of updates… THANK YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE AMAZING HOOMAN! 🖤

It’s been about 8 months since my last post and LOADS has happened….

We never found a house to rent and instead decided to transfer to a renovated apt in the same complex. It’s right around the corner from our last unit actually! It’s got a washer and dryer, so that was the deciding factor. I mostly didn’t want to live in the same place anymore or continue to dust cat fur from the walls, so that was also a deciding factor. Don’t judge, I’m actually a really clean person.. But I’ve also got depression and had garbage roommates in a tiny apt for a while, who didn’t clean at all, so I gave up cleaning up after them.

We’ve lived in the same complex for over five years now and we have finally unpacked and bought furniture! We’ve always had second hand couches and whatnot, but now we’ve got desks and bookcases. That’s HUGE for us as we’ve moved around a lot throughout our lives. To have an actual home (especially for our lads), whilst not the best place, is something I’ve wanted for a long time. We’ve come a long way from being homeless in Minnesota.

I think the biggest thing that kept me from updating was my utter heartbreak over having to leave Rawhide.

For over a year and a half that place was my home, and my co-workers became my extended family. I get shit for it but I absolutely loved that place, I still do. It changed me. I was loved and accepted for the passionate weirdo that I am. I wasn’t ridiculed for being too this or too that. My anxiety and depression went away for the most part, and I became MYSELF. It was hard saying goodbye but Saffron Shelby (my town name and probably other personality at this point), and the person I became, will always be a part of me.

Sadly, it’s now closed regularly, except to special events and concerts. I also, which guts me to admit, had to find something with higher pay. To me the people I work with is what makes the job worthwhile. Unfortunately, the cost of living won this time around.

August to now was a weird and stressful time, especially for my hair. I went from dying my nearly waist length hair blonde…

To cutting most of it off.

Then came the purple with an undercut.

Once that faded I went back to Saffron’s signature ginge…

It’s currently dark violet but I’m not posting any more photos because I’m sure you’re tired of seeing my ugly mug!

Shortly after cutting my hair, I was hired at a new job. Assimilating to somewhere new absolutely SUCKED!

When I first started working there the turnaround was bonkers, which made me feel like I was just passing through. Stress was unbelievable as it’s hard being berated by awful people day in and day out. I also ended up having bronchitis twice in one month as I have the immune system of a new born child and seemingly everyone there was sick with something.

But I persevered through all the mental torture, as I usually do!

Seven months later and I’ve found my groove, have an amazing TL, get great numbers (which means I’m good at what I do based on how well they score my calls), and have a pretty okay team. I’m dead to people’s nonsense whining and the almost daily beratement (is that even a word?) doesn’t bother me much anymore. It’s not Rawhide, but it’s not as miserable as it used to be.

I don’t get to spend nearly as much time as I’d like with family and friends, but life’s not terrible. For that I’m grateful.

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🏠

July 23, 2017 No Comments

So.. house hunting is one of the most frustrating things on the planet!

For those of you that know me personally, you know I have a disabled husband (whom I also take care of) and that we’ve been fighting social security for disability benefits for three (possibly more) years (it’s been so long, I’ve lost count). Well, this year he FINALLY won, and now we can begin his road to recovery! That road begins with house hunting for a larger place that our family will be comfortable in. Not TOO comfortable, we don’t need to live outside of our means, just something a bit bigger than the current crackerjack box we currently reside in.

Before he became disabled, TJ was a truck driver (I was a stay at home Mum – I now work outside the home). At the time, we lived in a decent sized two bdrm one and a half bath town home. It was mostly the lads, our one furbaby and I alone in that big place unless the mister was in town, which wasn’t often as he was constantly on the road. It was just too large for us, so we moved into a smaller (two bdrm, one bath) apartment. It was fine until TJ became disabled and came home, which is when we realised living in a tuna can with giants (he is around 6’3” and the oldest is probably around 5’9”, if not taller) and three furbabies (plus the random family that stay with us) is no bueno.

Flash forward to house hunting… cue angry and frustrated Sinai.

Firstly, for what we want – which is nothing too crazy; just a three (two if we can’t find something in our price range) bdrm with two baths (you try fighting a houseful of boys over one bathroom) and preferably a backyard (because the mister would like a service animal/furbaby of his own) – we’d have to make two to three times the rent AND be able to afford $1200 per month (that’s just monthly base rent). People that make two to three times the rent are most likely not renting, they’re buying, so wot in tarnation are management companies thinking!? We’ve found a few places, within our price range, which we’re hoping aren’t occupied by the time we’re ready to move in August. Unfortunately, they’re mostly two bdrm apartments and not stand alone houses, like we wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m immensely grateful we’ve gotten far enough in life to move somewhere nice as there was once a time we were homeless. We were just hopeful we’d be able to live in a home, even if it were a small home. It’s just frustrating trying to find somewhere with everything we want within our budget, that’s actually decent. I can even deal with semi-decent, as long as I never have to use a public laundromat again.

So, here’s to hoping we find a great place by the time Aug. rolls around. Here’s to also hoping they invent trees that grow money within the near future (come on, science, you can do it!), because I know some of us could really use that. Cheers. ✌️

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Schlump City.

June 13, 2017 No Comments

For some time now, I’ve been going back and forth with depression. I’ve been doing everything I could to get my mind off the constant inner war I’ve been dealing with since my teenage years; hanging with friends, marathoning tele shows I’ve not seen, reading, working, buying stupid shit I probably don’t need.. Busy equals no time to let depression and anxiety get to me. It only tends to help for so long before the bullshit thoughts come back.

It’s absolutely bonkers to feel this way, especially right now! We’re on the verge of possibly (fingers crossed) moving into a house. Work is going great. I’ve got people in my life that love and care for me, which they constantly remind me of. I sense so much love and respect from every angle yet I can’t seem to shake the depression when it whispers that I’m a worthless pile of shit. It says, “you’ll never achieve what you want. You’ll never be a better Mum, wife or person. You’ll always be replaceable and irrelevant”, and I believe it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve come so far in my life, yet depression always seems to bring me back to feeling as though I’m nothing.

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling most of the time, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know or be burdened with the nonsense that floats around in my mind. I try to be as honest as possible yet I tend to close up and push people away. It makes zero sense to me because I’m such an open person, yet I can be so closed off. I’m sure it’s probably a defense mechanism from the constant backstabbing fuckery I’ve suffered throughout my life. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone, in the back of my mind I’m always waiting for the pain of loss or betrayal. It’s nothing personal towards anyone, I’ve got a great group of people in my life right now, it’s just me being constantly vigilant because I’ve known some pretty big twatwaffles.

I wish there was a magic pill I could take or tranquilizer dart I could be shot with that could stop these recurring nonsensical thoughts from happening because they’re starting to annoy the shit out of me. There’s no reason for it, nothing triggering it, and all it does is paralyse me from bettering myself. I am so lucky and appreciative of the people in my life for constantly putting up with my need for validation and affection. I don’t know what I would do without you gems!

Hopefully this depression won’t stop me from pursuing my passions, and furthering my life, much longer. I just need to focus and keep reminding myself that everything will be, IS, okay… until I believe it. Life takes time. I just need to keep pushing on.

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♀

March 8, 2017 No Comments

I don’t normally celebrate national or international days, unless those days involve eating or drinking… but today I wanted to post about International Women’s Day.

I hadn’t realised until the last few years how important it is to celebrate who you are and the women around you when you’re a woman yourself. To be happy for another woman’s accomplishments and who they are as a person doesn’t mean you’re any less accomplished or less than; it’s an ultimate show of strength. We’re constantly told that life is a competition and that’s bullshit.

Within the last decade I’ve come to know some of the strongest women around. You’ve all been through so much, as have I, and I am PROUD to know and call you friends. You support me in whatever I do, call me on my shit, challenge me and keep me grounded; I’d like to think I do the same for you. You are strong and beautiful, both inside and out. My wish for you, whether we remain friends or not, is that you continue to be strong women throughout your lives. Keep on being absolute badass babes!

Showing faith in and celebrating other women isn’t only a sign of strength but a MUST. Sure, we have a lot more freedoms than we did in the past. For women in first world countries fighting for freedoms isn’t much, if at all, of an issue. But for women and girls still pushed to the back, treated as property, having acid thrown on them and being sold into slavery, it is a HUGE issue and problem that still exists.

For not only today, but everyday, I celebrate and fight for all women, and I challenge you to do the same. Let us celebrate ourselves and others. Whether you know a woman, are a woman or identify as a woman, praise and be proud of yourselves and others, for what you’ve become and how far you’ve gotten in life. We women can, have and will continue to, accomplish anything!

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New year, but not a new me.

January 16, 2017 No Comments

I could never get into the whole “new year, new me” bullshit. I’m constantly working on myself during the year; not just at the beginning, not just for a “resolution”. Bettering yourself has to be a conscious effort throughout your entire life or what point is there really?

A while back I started writing down the goals I wanted to achieve each year, ticking them off the list as I accomplished them. Well, I’ve lost last year’s list at some point so I decided to graduate to making a mental list of everything I want to accomplish this year. As I thought through the last year of my life I realised I’ve accomplished a lot more than just what I wanted to and that I’ve started actually planting roots somewhere.

As much as I dislike Arizona and nearly all of the people I meet whilst out in public, I’ve managed to make my life pretty great in 2016. I’ve made amazing new friends, my family is doing well, I love my job, I’ve gotten a new vehicle (that’s actually in my name) and my family has lived in the same place (with rent constantly on time) for the last few years.

We’ve come such a long way it’s mind blowing. To actually be happy the majority of the time brings me to tears because I never thought that could happen. All we’ve went through, all I’ve endured, has brought me to this happy place and it’s beautiful.

Painfully long explanation short, that’s the goal of this year for me… To make life beautiful. However I’m able – whether it be giving strangers compliments, buying beautiful wee trinkets, doing a friend’s makeup or appreciating more sunsets and cloudy skies – whatever will make life more beautiful, I’m going to do it.

Life’s too ugly and short to be caught up in the grossness. Screw the drama, the hatred, the bullshit. Make life beautiful and it will be.

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I was doing great for a while…

December 6, 2016 1 Comment

I started this blog in hopes of maybe helping people through my experiences, getting things off my chest (openness calms me), strengthening my writing, connecting with friends on a somehow deeper level by sharing my thoughts…. A plethora of reasons.

At first, it was simply life getting in the way. Now, it’s me getting in my own way; feeling like my words have no effect and will never have one. Feeling like an absolute mess for sharing my thoughts and emotions online, like a whacko. Amongst a whole lot of other bullshit that the anxiety and depression tells me on a daily basis.

The shittiest part of it is I’m LOADS happier than I have been in years! I absolutely adore the friends I’ve made at work, I’ve gotten a new vehicle, my family is fine (for the most part), I can actually say that I love my job, things are going well in my life! Last night I stood outside, in actual cold (yes, it sometimes gets cold in Hell), and lost track of time laughing with friends after work. One of my friends even mentioned how much happier I seemed these days. Life is good.

Then today comes about and I’ve got that asshole in the back of my mind whispering, “It will alllll go to shit eventually! Don’t be the idiot that gets attached because you’ll only be let down.”

I feel like I care and feel too much, and that it’ll be the ruin of me. Being passionate seems frowned upon at times. I’m constantly unsure if I’m being too this or too that. I feel like I burden people with my existence most days.

I was doing great for a while, not letting my thoughts get the best of me… then I let the doubts seep in. Nothing lasts forever and maybe I’m just too aware of that sad truth? Or maybe I should just get out of my own way and live for today? I guess I’ll find out the answer eventually…

Lyrics from La Dispute's "The Last Lost Continent".

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Life Update #001.

June 1, 2016 No Comments

As I’m sat here choking down a disgusting beer (it’s gifted alcohol so I’ll finish it, I ain’t no bloody quitter), relaxing, and listening to Noah Gundersen, I realised I’ve been neglecting this blog. Partly because I’ve been wrapped up in life, partly because I’ve been exhausted when I’m not wrapped up in life. Adulting is fucking exhausting, man.

I’ve been to and completed physical therapy (for my shoulder and arthritic knees) and have begun working out! This is something I’ve needed to do for a while now and physical therapy has given me the push to want to do it. It has given me the strength to not only be stronger physically, but mentally. I’ve wanted this for a long time but I’ve always been hesitant because you hear the horror stories about someone larger being bullied for working out. I’ve decided now is the time to not give a care what people think of me. This is for me. I’ve neglected myself for far too long; I need to do this.

I’ve taken my lads to several different doctors appointments I’ve not been able to in the past (due to personal bullshit and the good ole mess known as the American medical system nonsense)… Some rescheduled when I’ve had other errands to do and double booked or my anxiety wouldn’t let me out of the house. Anxiety is a bastard I’ve been working through it for a while now. I’ve been more present with them, something my mind hasn’t always allowed me to be at times. I’ve always considered myself a good Mum (have even been reassured that), but I’ve not always been there fully despite being a stay at home mum. At least, that’s how my mental illness makes me feel. At times I’ve been on Mumbie (Mum zombie) auto-pilot because of my depression. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for struggling with my disorders, but I do. No one wants a parent that’s a mess, but my boys have got one.

Perhaps the biggest news I have is I’ve started working at an old western town called Rawhide (thanks to my lovely friend Steph pestering me to apply, as well as giving me a great reference)! I’ve got an oddly good feeling about the place. I feel it to be the beginning of something… What, I’ve no clue, but it feels like a good thing. Even if my anxiety and unsureness makes me believe otherwise almost daily. I’ve met some pretty awesome people that have taught me a lot about the place and I hope they grow to adore me as much as I already adore them.

I work attractions at Rawhide; I originally went for retail but I’m glad I didn’t get it. Honestly, attractions speaks to me, even if working outside is pretty torturous in the Arizona heat. I’ve not felt respected as a human being since working at Famous Footwear, well over a year ago.

The gold panning attraction I work at most days. Shade and calming running water; pretty rad deal even if it feels literally hot as Hell outside.

Everything I’ve been up to thus far is helping me find myself, even if it seems trivial to others. Pushing myself to socialise, to get up and do something on a daily basis, is huge for me. I’ve always attempted to push and better myself, even if it doesn’t seem like I am. Constantly changing myself for what I hope is for the better is important. So very important.

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Coping with Anxiety.

April 16, 2016 2 Comments

It occurred to me that there’s enough accounts on the interwebs about what anxiety feels like. Google living with anxiety and millions of articles and blog posts will pop up on the subject. Odds are if you’re Googling it, you have it and know exactly what it feels like or you know someone that struggles with it.

In case you don’t know how anxiety feels, that photo basically sums it up.

Unlike my other diagnoses (depression, migraines, fibroids, etc) anxiety is an aggressive beast. It doesn’t care where I am, or what I may or may not be doing, it will rear it’s ugly face right into my life and bring it to a screeching halt. It brings this indescribable, paralyzing fear and panic like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

I’ve only been diagnosed for a little over a year now but I’ve come to learn what does and doesn’t work for me. Like my migraines, I’ve come to recognise when an attack is coming. Instead of writing about what my anxiety feels like, I decided to share the ways I cope with it. Anxiety is different for each sufferer of course; mine may be less debilitating than others, but these are things that work for me. Maybe they’ll work for you as well.

Immerse yourself in things you love.

Reading, music, indie flicks, writing, window shopping at antique shops… Those are the few things I enjoy that help get my mind off of the impending doom cloud that anxiety brings.

Laugh.

Sometimes when I’m about to have an attack I like to joke around with friends and family. Humour has always helped me cope with whatever I’m dealing with.

Hang with friends and family.

Sometimes all you need is a little love and connection from those you care about. A hug or simply having someone sit there in silence with you does wonders. Knowing someone cares and is there for you can change your life.

Write.

Whether writing down and putting your thoughts into the public domain, or journaling those thoughts in private is your thing… write. Write down every ridiculous and scary thought you’re having. Put it out into the universe and then let it go.

Vent.

Vent to whomever will listen. If they truly care about you, they won’t mind. True friends will be there through your happiest and saddest moments; trust in them.

Have an ugly cry.

Scream, cry, break things, put some music on blast and just go bonkers for a bit. Whatever helps get the sad our.

Ask for help.

From friends, family, a therapist, someone you speak to anonymously online… Whomever you feel comfortable with. Someone can help you if you cannot help yourself, you just have to reach out.

When all else fails: try medication.

Sometimes you just have to because it’s all too much and nothing else is helping. That’s okay. Medicate yourself, have a cry, and pick yourself up.

The biggest thing to remember about coping with anxiety is it’s a liar. It will make you feel inferior and like there’s no point to anything. You’re not dying, contrary to what the anxiety is making you feel, everything will be okay. Trust me, I’m still here. You’ve just got to find what works best for you. Try it all, try anything.

You will get through it because you’re stronger than you think.

💚

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Wanderlust.

April 14, 2016 2 Comments

A few years ago when my husband was driving his truck I was fortunate enough to ride along with him for a period of time. I really miss travelling as I haven’t in a while so I thought I’d share some of my favourite photos of that time!

I chronicled it on Instagram with a Samsung Galaxy S3. Ohhh the horrible filters and picture quality! The. Horror. I attempted to clean up the resolution a little bit, hopefully they’re not terrible.

flagstaff_az

Leaving Arizona through Flagstaff.

kingvale_cali

Kingvale, CA.

MiddleHarbourShorelinePark_Oakland_Cali

MiddleHarbourShorelinePark_Oakland_Cali3_PortofOakland

MiddleHarbourShorelinePark_Oakland_Cali2

Middle Harbour Shoreline Park at Oakland Harbour, CA.

colorado_rockies

colorado2

Colorado Rockies.

arapaho_national_forest_colorado

Arapaho National Forest, CO.

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Colorado3

Random places I didn’t label in Colorado.

UtahTruckStop

Utah truck stop.

CrescentValley_Nevada

Crescent Valley, NV.

burnsharbour_indiana

A beautifully rainy day at a truck stop in Burns Harbour, IN.

Albuquerque_NewMex

Driving home to Arizona through Albuquerque, NM.

MississippiRiver

Lastly, but not least, one of my favourite shots of the Mississippi River that wasn’t added to IG. I wish I had a better resolution of this!

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Positivity schmositivity.

April 1, 2016 1 Comment

I think I’m becoming one of those people. Those arseholes that wake up and think “today will be a good day.”

posithinking

Well, I feel that way most days, more days than I used to. Up until doubt, depression, anxiety and/or life rears its ugly head anyways. I’m the most optimistic pessimist you’ll ever meet. Or maybe I’m just a realist? The glass is always half full, until the cat of life comes and knocks it over.

I wish I could see rainbows and positive outcomes out of everything no matter what. My life hasn’t gone that way and I consider it foolish to think like that. I have to take the good and the bad. I guess that’s balance and it’s a good thing? Or so I hear.

There is one thing I’m not unsure of…. I’m so very thankful for where I am, even if it isn’t where I ultimately want to be. Sure, my life does blow at times, but it is in no way as much of a suckfest as it once was.

Maybe I am becoming an optimist.

Maybe that’s okay.

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