I started this blog in hopes of maybe helping people through my experiences, getting things off my chest (openness calms me), strengthening my writing, connecting with friends on a somehow deeper level by sharing my thoughts…. A plethora of reasons.
At first, it was simply life getting in the way. Now, it’s me getting in my own way; feeling like my words have no effect and will never have one. Feeling like an absolute mess for sharing my thoughts and emotions online, like a whacko. Amongst a whole lot of other bullshit that the anxiety and depression tells me on a daily basis.
The shittiest part of it is I’m LOADS happier than I have been in years! I absolutely adore the friends I’ve made at work, I’ve gotten a new vehicle, my family is fine (for the most part), I can actually say that I love my job, things are going well in my life! Last night I stood outside, in actual cold (yes, it sometimes gets cold in Hell), and lost track of time laughing with friends after work. One of my friends even mentioned how much happier I seemed these days. Life is good.
Then today comes about and I’ve got that asshole in the back of my mind whispering, “It will alllll go to shit eventually! Don’t be the idiot that gets attached because you’ll only be let down.”
I feel like I care and feel too much, and that it’ll be the ruin of me. Being passionate seems frowned upon at times. I’m constantly unsure if I’m being too this or too that. I feel like I burden people with my existence most days.
I was doing great for a while, not letting my thoughts get the best of me… then I let the doubts seep in. Nothing lasts forever and maybe I’m just too aware of that sad truth? Or maybe I should just get out of my own way and live for today? I guess I’ll find out the answer eventually…