For some time now, I’ve been going back and forth with depression. I’ve been doing everything I could to get my mind off the constant inner war I’ve been dealing with since my teenage years; hanging with friends, marathoning tele shows I’ve not seen, reading, working, buying stupid shit I probably don’t need.. Busy equals no time to let depression and anxiety get to me. It only tends to help for so long before the bullshit thoughts come back.
It’s absolutely bonkers to feel this way, especially right now! We’re on the verge of possibly (fingers crossed) moving into a house. Work is going great. I’ve got people in my life that love and care for me, which they constantly remind me of. I sense so much love and respect from every angle yet I can’t seem to shake the depression when it whispers that I’m a worthless pile of shit. It says, “you’ll never achieve what you want. You’ll never be a better Mum, wife or person. You’ll always be replaceable and irrelevant”, and I believe it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve come so far in my life, yet depression always seems to bring me back to feeling as though I’m nothing.
It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling most of the time, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know or be burdened with the nonsense that floats around in my mind. I try to be as honest as possible yet I tend to close up and push people away. It makes zero sense to me because I’m such an open person, yet I can be so closed off. I’m sure it’s probably a defense mechanism from the constant backstabbing fuckery I’ve suffered throughout my life. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone, in the back of my mind I’m always waiting for the pain of loss or betrayal. It’s nothing personal towards anyone, I’ve got a great group of people in my life right now, it’s just me being constantly vigilant because I’ve known some pretty big twatwaffles.
I wish there was a magic pill I could take or tranquilizer dart I could be shot with that could stop these recurring nonsensical thoughts from happening because they’re starting to annoy the shit out of me. There’s no reason for it, nothing triggering it, and all it does is paralyse me from bettering myself. I am so lucky and appreciative of the people in my life for constantly putting up with my need for validation and affection. I don’t know what I would do without you gems!
Hopefully this depression won’t stop me from pursuing my passions, and furthering my life, much longer. I just need to focus and keep reminding myself that everything will be, IS, okay… until I believe it. Life takes time. I just need to keep pushing on.