thoughts – Catatonic Heart

Schlump City.

June 13, 2017 No Comments

For some time now, I’ve been going back and forth with depression. I’ve been doing everything I could to get my mind off the constant inner war I’ve been dealing with since my teenage years; hanging with friends, marathoning tele shows I’ve not seen, reading, working, buying stupid shit I probably don’t need.. Busy equals no time to let depression and anxiety get to me. It only tends to help for so long before the bullshit thoughts come back.

It’s absolutely bonkers to feel this way, especially right now! We’re on the verge of possibly (fingers crossed) moving into a house. Work is going great. I’ve got people in my life that love and care for me, which they constantly remind me of. I sense so much love and respect from every angle yet I can’t seem to shake the depression when it whispers that I’m a worthless pile of shit. It says, “you’ll never achieve what you want. You’ll never be a better Mum, wife or person. You’ll always be replaceable and irrelevant”, and I believe it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve come so far in my life, yet depression always seems to bring me back to feeling as though I’m nothing.

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling most of the time, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know or be burdened with the nonsense that floats around in my mind. I try to be as honest as possible yet I tend to close up and push people away. It makes zero sense to me because I’m such an open person, yet I can be so closed off. I’m sure it’s probably a defense mechanism from the constant backstabbing fuckery I’ve suffered throughout my life. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone, in the back of my mind I’m always waiting for the pain of loss or betrayal. It’s nothing personal towards anyone, I’ve got a great group of people in my life right now, it’s just me being constantly vigilant because I’ve known some pretty big twatwaffles.

I wish there was a magic pill I could take or tranquilizer dart I could be shot with that could stop these recurring nonsensical thoughts from happening because they’re starting to annoy the shit out of me. There’s no reason for it, nothing triggering it, and all it does is paralyse me from bettering myself. I am so lucky and appreciative of the people in my life for constantly putting up with my need for validation and affection. I don’t know what I would do without you gems!

Hopefully this depression won’t stop me from pursuing my passions, and furthering my life, much longer. I just need to focus and keep reminding myself that everything will be, IS, okay… until I believe it. Life takes time. I just need to keep pushing on.

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Life Update #001.

June 1, 2016 No Comments

As I’m sat here choking down a disgusting beer (it’s gifted alcohol so I’ll finish it, I ain’t no bloody quitter), relaxing, and listening to Noah Gundersen, I realised I’ve been neglecting this blog. Partly because I’ve been wrapped up in life, partly because I’ve been exhausted when I’m not wrapped up in life. Adulting is fucking exhausting, man.

I’ve been to and completed physical therapy (for my shoulder and arthritic knees) and have begun working out! This is something I’ve needed to do for a while now and physical therapy has given me the push to want to do it. It has given me the strength to not only be stronger physically, but mentally. I’ve wanted this for a long time but I’ve always been hesitant because you hear the horror stories about someone larger being bullied for working out. I’ve decided now is the time to not give a care what people think of me. This is for me. I’ve neglected myself for far too long; I need to do this.

I’ve taken my lads to several different doctors appointments I’ve not been able to in the past (due to personal bullshit and the good ole mess known as the American medical system nonsense)… Some rescheduled when I’ve had other errands to do and double booked or my anxiety wouldn’t let me out of the house. Anxiety is a bastard I’ve been working through it for a while now. I’ve been more present with them, something my mind hasn’t always allowed me to be at times. I’ve always considered myself a good Mum (have even been reassured that), but I’ve not always been there fully despite being a stay at home mum. At least, that’s how my mental illness makes me feel. At times I’ve been on Mumbie (Mum zombie) auto-pilot because of my depression. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for struggling with my disorders, but I do. No one wants a parent that’s a mess, but my boys have got one.

Perhaps the biggest news I have is I’ve started working at an old western town called Rawhide (thanks to my lovely friend Steph pestering me to apply, as well as giving me a great reference)! I’ve got an oddly good feeling about the place. I feel it to be the beginning of something… What, I’ve no clue, but it feels like a good thing. Even if my anxiety and unsureness makes me believe otherwise almost daily. I’ve met some pretty awesome people that have taught me a lot about the place and I hope they grow to adore me as much as I already adore them.

I work attractions at Rawhide; I originally went for retail but I’m glad I didn’t get it. Honestly, attractions speaks to me, even if working outside is pretty torturous in the Arizona heat. I’ve not felt respected as a human being since working at Famous Footwear, well over a year ago.

The gold panning attraction I work at most days. Shade and calming running water; pretty rad deal even if it feels literally hot as Hell outside.

Everything I’ve been up to thus far is helping me find myself, even if it seems trivial to others. Pushing myself to socialise, to get up and do something on a daily basis, is huge for me. I’ve always attempted to push and better myself, even if it doesn’t seem like I am. Constantly changing myself for what I hope is for the better is important. So very important.

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Coping with Anxiety.

April 16, 2016 2 Comments

It occurred to me that there’s enough accounts on the interwebs about what anxiety feels like. Google living with anxiety and millions of articles and blog posts will pop up on the subject. Odds are if you’re Googling it, you have it and know exactly what it feels like or you know someone that struggles with it.

In case you don’t know how anxiety feels, that photo basically sums it up.

Unlike my other diagnoses (depression, migraines, fibroids, etc) anxiety is an aggressive beast. It doesn’t care where I am, or what I may or may not be doing, it will rear it’s ugly face right into my life and bring it to a screeching halt. It brings this indescribable, paralyzing fear and panic like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

I’ve only been diagnosed for a little over a year now but I’ve come to learn what does and doesn’t work for me. Like my migraines, I’ve come to recognise when an attack is coming. Instead of writing about what my anxiety feels like, I decided to share the ways I cope with it. Anxiety is different for each sufferer of course; mine may be less debilitating than others, but these are things that work for me. Maybe they’ll work for you as well.

Immerse yourself in things you love.

Reading, music, indie flicks, writing, window shopping at antique shops… Those are the few things I enjoy that help get my mind off of the impending doom cloud that anxiety brings.

Laugh.

Sometimes when I’m about to have an attack I like to joke around with friends and family. Humour has always helped me cope with whatever I’m dealing with.

Hang with friends and family.

Sometimes all you need is a little love and connection from those you care about. A hug or simply having someone sit there in silence with you does wonders. Knowing someone cares and is there for you can change your life.

Write.

Whether writing down and putting your thoughts into the public domain, or journaling those thoughts in private is your thing… write. Write down every ridiculous and scary thought you’re having. Put it out into the universe and then let it go.

Vent.

Vent to whomever will listen. If they truly care about you, they won’t mind. True friends will be there through your happiest and saddest moments; trust in them.

Have an ugly cry.

Scream, cry, break things, put some music on blast and just go bonkers for a bit. Whatever helps get the sad our.

Ask for help.

From friends, family, a therapist, someone you speak to anonymously online… Whomever you feel comfortable with. Someone can help you if you cannot help yourself, you just have to reach out.

When all else fails: try medication.

Sometimes you just have to because it’s all too much and nothing else is helping. That’s okay. Medicate yourself, have a cry, and pick yourself up.

The biggest thing to remember about coping with anxiety is it’s a liar. It will make you feel inferior and like there’s no point to anything. You’re not dying, contrary to what the anxiety is making you feel, everything will be okay. Trust me, I’m still here. You’ve just got to find what works best for you. Try it all, try anything.

You will get through it because you’re stronger than you think.

💚