depression – Catatonic Heart

For some time now, I’ve been going back and forth with depression. I’ve been doing everything I could to get my mind off the constant inner war I’ve been dealing with since my teenage years; hanging with friends, marathoning tele shows I’ve not seen, reading, working, buying stupid shit I probably don’t need.. Busy equals no time to let depression and anxiety get to me. It only tends to help for so long before the bullshit thoughts come back.

It’s absolutely bonkers to feel this way, especially right now! We’re on the verge of possibly (fingers crossed) moving into a house. Work is going great. I’ve got people in my life that love and care for me, which they constantly remind me of. I sense so much love and respect from every angle yet I can’t seem to shake the depression when it whispers that I’m a worthless pile of shit. It says, “you’ll never achieve what you want. You’ll never be a better Mum, wife or person. You’ll always be replaceable and irrelevant”, and I believe it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve come so far in my life, yet depression always seems to bring me back to feeling as though I’m nothing.

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling most of the time, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know or be burdened with the nonsense that floats around in my mind. I try to be as honest as possible yet I tend to close up and push people away. It makes zero sense to me because I’m such an open person, yet I can be so closed off. I’m sure it’s probably a defense mechanism from the constant backstabbing fuckery I’ve suffered throughout my life. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone, in the back of my mind I’m always waiting for the pain of loss or betrayal. It’s nothing personal towards anyone, I’ve got a great group of people in my life right now, it’s just me being constantly vigilant because I’ve known some pretty big twatwaffles.

I wish there was a magic pill I could take or tranquilizer dart I could be shot with that could stop these recurring nonsensical thoughts from happening because they’re starting to annoy the shit out of me. There’s no reason for it, nothing triggering it, and all it does is paralyse me from bettering myself. I am so lucky and appreciative of the people in my life for constantly putting up with my need for validation and affection. I don’t know what I would do without you gems!

Hopefully this depression won’t stop me from pursuing my passions, and furthering my life, much longer. I just need to focus and keep reminding myself that everything will be, IS, okay… until I believe it. Life takes time. I just need to keep pushing on.

As I’m sat here choking down a disgusting beer (it’s gifted alcohol so I’ll finish it, I ain’t no bloody quitter), relaxing, and listening to Noah Gundersen, I realised I’ve been neglecting this blog. Partly because I’ve been wrapped up in life, partly because I’ve been exhausted when I’m not wrapped up in life. Adulting is fucking exhausting, man.

I’ve been to and completed physical therapy (for my shoulder and arthritic knees) and have begun working out! This is something I’ve needed to do for a while now and physical therapy has given me the push to want to do it. It has given me the strength to not only be stronger physically, but mentally. I’ve wanted this for a long time but I’ve always been hesitant because you hear the horror stories about someone larger being bullied for working out. I’ve decided now is the time to not give a care what people think of me. This is for me. I’ve neglected myself for far too long; I need to do this.

I’ve taken my lads to several different doctors appointments I’ve not been able to in the past (due to personal bullshit and the good ole mess known as the American medical system nonsense)… Some rescheduled when I’ve had other errands to do and double booked or my anxiety wouldn’t let me out of the house. Anxiety is a bastard I’ve been working through it for a while now. I’ve been more present with them, something my mind hasn’t always allowed me to be at times. I’ve always considered myself a good Mum (have even been reassured that), but I’ve not always been there fully despite being a stay at home mum. At least, that’s how my mental illness makes me feel. At times I’ve been on Mumbie (Mum zombie) auto-pilot because of my depression. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for struggling with my disorders, but I do. No one wants a parent that’s a mess, but my boys have got one.

Perhaps the biggest news I have is I’ve started working at an old western town called Rawhide (thanks to my lovely friend Steph pestering me to apply, as well as giving me a great reference)! I’ve got an oddly good feeling about the place. I feel it to be the beginning of something… What, I’ve no clue, but it feels like a good thing. Even if my anxiety and unsureness makes me believe otherwise almost daily. I’ve met some pretty awesome people that have taught me a lot about the place and I hope they grow to adore me as much as I already adore them.

I work attractions at Rawhide; I originally went for retail but I’m glad I didn’t get it. Honestly, attractions speaks to me, even if working outside is pretty torturous in the Arizona heat. I’ve not felt respected as a human being since working at Famous Footwear, well over a year ago.

The gold panning attraction I work at most days. Shade and calming running water; pretty rad deal even if it feels literally hot as Hell outside.

Everything I’ve been up to thus far is helping me find myself, even if it seems trivial to others. Pushing myself to socialise, to get up and do something on a daily basis, is huge for me. I’ve always attempted to push and better myself, even if it doesn’t seem like I am. Constantly changing myself for what I hope is for the better is important. So very important.

Schlump City.

Life Update #001.