As I’m sat here choking down a disgusting beer (it’s gifted alcohol so I’ll finish it, I ain’t no bloody quitter), relaxing,  and listening to Noah Gundersen, I realised I’ve been neglecting this blog. Partly because I’ve been wrapped up in life, partly because I’ve been exhausted when I’m not wrapped up in life. Adulting is fucking exhausting, man.

I’ve been to and completed physical therapy (for my shoulder and arthritic knees) and have begun working out! This is something I’ve needed to do for a while now and physical therapy has given me the push to want to do it. It has given me the strength to not only be stronger physically, but mentally. I’ve wanted this for a long time but I’ve always been hesitant because you hear the horror stories about someone larger being bullied for working out. I’ve decided now is the time to not give a care what people think of me. This is for me. I’ve neglected myself for far too long; I need to do this.

I’ve taken my lads to several different doctors appointments I’ve not been able to in the past (due to personal bullshit and the good ole mess known as the American medical system nonsense)… Some rescheduled when I’ve had other errands to do and double booked or my anxiety wouldn’t let me out of the house. Anxiety is a bastard I’ve been working through it for a while now. I’ve been more present with them, something my mind hasn’t always allowed me to be at times. I’ve always considered myself a good Mum (have even been reassured that), but I’ve not always been there fully despite being a stay at home mum. At least, that’s how my mental illness makes me feel. At times I’ve been on Mumbie (Mum zombie) auto-pilot because of my depression. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for struggling with my disorders, but I do. No one wants a parent that’s a mess, but my boys have got one.

Perhaps the biggest news I have is I’ve started working at an old western town called Rawhide (thanks to my lovely friend Steph pestering me to apply, as well as giving me a great reference)! I’ve got an oddly good feeling about the place. I feel it to be the beginning of something… What, I’ve no clue, but it feels like a good thing. Even if my anxiety and unsureness makes me believe otherwise almost daily. I’ve met some pretty awesome people that have taught me a lot about the place and I hope they grow to adore me as much as I already adore them.

I work attractions at Rawhide; I originally went for retail but I’m glad I didn’t get it. Honestly, attractions speaks to me, even if working outside is pretty torturous in the Arizona heat. I’ve not felt respected as a human being since working at Famous Footwear, well over a year ago.

The gold panning attraction I work at most days. Shade and calming running water; pretty rad deal even if it feels literally hot as Hell outside.

Everything I’ve been up to thus far is helping me find myself, even if it seems trivial to others. Pushing myself to socialise, to get up and do something on a daily basis, is huge for me. I’ve always attempted to push and better myself, even if it doesn’t seem like I am. Constantly changing myself for what I hope is for the better is important.  So very important.