The older I get, the more nostalgia rears its ugly head. I miss all the happiness I once had because those moments have become very few these days.
When I’m out in the wide open desert, it reminds me of Rawhide – a place where I gained friends that became family and a sort of home I was lucky enough to once have – and I become calm. That feeling fades once I’m back to reality; back home in the overcrowded city rat race that is currently my life.
I have a love hate relationship with my current job. I adore some of the people I work with, but I cannot stand the callers and their anger. Essentially, that us the reason for customer service I suppose, but with my empathetic heart it has ground me down mentally to almost nothing. I’ve come a long way from being the angry person I once was, and that guarded, pissed off at the world person is coming back.
Some people love having an ever-changing, fast-paced lifestyle. The constant grind of city life calms their frantic mind. For a while, that worked for me as well. More and more I realise that’s not who I truly am. I’m not even 40 years old and my heart and mind scream, “take me away from all of this madness, I’m too old for this shit!”
I, as well as my lads, frequently reminisce about our lives in Minnesota. While it wasn’t perfect and we had our obstacles, we all miss the deafening silence of St. Paul nights and snowy days – the weather, the history, the bonfires, the lakes, the calm. We didn’t have much there but it felt like home. I wish they could’ve grown up there. We needed to go but a part of me regrets leaving and wishes we would’ve tried harder to stay.
My body craves colder weather and a greener climate. I find myself daydreaming of a place I can live in and call home, not just a place I can sometime visit. I long for a home where I can write, take photographs, relax with my family and friends… somewhere that can calm me and my thoughts.
I need a life that I don’t want to escape from.
My heart, mind, body and soul need to be elsewhere. I’m holding onto the hope that I’ll eventually find that peace again.